from myspace: Jun 19, 2006

closure...

for the last 3 years i have been dealing with something that i knew not how to handle..  and maybe tonight it handled itself...
i now have a step-mother..
tonight my dad got married to his girlfriend of almost a year..  i felt like everyone was looking at me because they knew how much mom's death had effected me..  but as i saw my dad and connie walk to the alter together, i felt no anxiety..  as i saw them exchange vows i could tell how emotional dad was (a trait that is rarely ever shown).. and as connie gave her vows i could tell how deeply she loved my dad..  she looked into his eyes and repeated every word that came out of the preacher's mouth as if she meant every word..  and i believe she did..  and for the second time in my life i saw my dad cry..  only this time it was tears of joy.. 
now let me say this..  about 6 months after mom died, my dad came to me and said, "you know, i may start dating again.."  and i told him to go with it..  he had watched mom die for a year..  i wanted him to get out and have fun..  it's just that the first woman he brought into the house i fucking hated... not because i thought she was trying to replace my mom..  let's just call it intuition..  then he dumped her crazy ass....
last summer he started talking about this woman he met named connie...  i met her during x-mas.. and i immediately liked her..  she has an aura about her that would make charles manson smile..  and when she's around dad you can just see his whole demeanor change.. 
which brings me back to my original point..  well, sort of..  i'm getting there..
she didn't know that amanda and i were there..  she was worried that we wouldn't show because of the aforementioned affect that mom's sickness and death had left on me..  i had gone around the church after the ceremony to smoke and talk to people i hadn't seen in a while.. as the line died down i walked into to talk to them..  when connie saw me a big smile came over her face..   and she hugged me..  she said that she didn't think i would come.. i told her that i wouldn't have missed it and i welcomed her to the family..  you could see the worry drop from her...  like a burden was lifted... 
but at the same time i think a burden lifted off me...  a final closure that i haven't gotten..  that i haven't let myself face..
we went to the reception, which i didn't want to go to..  amanda and i found a booth in the corner away from everyone because i didn't want to just have to smalltalk with people that i didn't know...  as dad and connie came in and sat down, she called us over and said that she wanted us to sit with her and dad..  and her best friend..  as they made their speech, connie introduced her friends that were there... and the woman beside me was jan raber...  (WTF??)..  and the couple in the booth beside of us was mr. and mrs. gurlits (i know i fucked the names up)...  but sitting beside of me was steven raber's mom..  
steven died when i was a sophmore in college..  and amanda and i (the first time we dated) went to the funeral with elmo and d.j. and suzanna..  it was a very big turning point in my life then...  and here i was sit................
(HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!......  i just realized something..  if it wasn't for steven's death, amanda and i may have never met... i just checked my journals..  it was the week after his funeral that elmo and i went to yesterday's that fateful night...  it was during the funeral that elmo and i began to get close..  there is a dammed good chance that i wouldn't have been there that night...)
jan turned to me and asked, did you know steven?  i told her that i knew of him and that i was at the funeral..  
(ok, i am making more gaps in this story than to ever make sence..)
needless to say, there was more there last night than just my dad, connie, a bunch of baptists and a handful of catholics...   and a wiccan/deist...   small world my ass..  some things you can call coencidence..  and somethings you have to look at and go WHAT THE FUCK???  and this is one of those times..  
   
later i went to mom's grave..  and i left her a cigarette as i always do..  and i appologized that i wasn't able to bring her any of her flowers because they hadn't started to bloom yet..  and i felt a serenity..  as if mom was ok now that she knew dad was in good hands.. 
before i left i asked her to visit me in my dreams...  and as i left i felt another presence with me...   i didn't know it then, but i believe now that it may have been steven...  
only time will tell... just like everything else...
goodnight mom...  i hope to see you soon.. 

from myspace: Apr 5, 2006

remembering a friend...

Aaron David Ruiz. 
Died- 03.11.97
My best friend during my second year at ECU.  During a very difficult and trying time in my life.  His death was the first time that anyone close to me passed on.  No grandparents, no uncles or aunts.. no fucking cousins had died... well no one within a third-removed slot.  No one.
To those that don't know the story, and this may get long for those that hate long blogs.  So to you I say FUCK OFF!  I am writing this in his honor.  And I think I have never gotten over his death, so maybe this is a way for me to cope and vent at the same time..  And working at Food Monkey again doesn't help.
I met Aaron the first year I was at ECU.  I decided to work at the local Food Buffalo to get some extra cash (since my parents were tight-wads!)  He and I were baggers that year.  He kept talking about wanting to go to ECU.  Well, the next year he does and I see him in my Art History class on the first day.  I tapped him on his opposite shoulder to make him look the other way as I tried to move into the seat next to him, just to fuck with him.  and he fell for it..  so every day after that i did the same thing. 
we quickly became good friends.  and i invited him to our (mine, heather's and kevin's) weekly ritual of going clubbing.  he was also 21, which made it even better!  i was sort of glam-goth at the time, and aaron loved it.  i would let him borrow my clothes and we would take our art pins and draw on each other before we went downtown.  he always wanted me to draw a teardrop under his left eye, and i had this thing for having a gothic vine wrapped around my pinkie.  we would get fucked up and go to the clubs.  but we never tries to hook-up.  we were there to have a good time and to hell with everyone else there.. aaron, kevin, heather and i would find ourselves a corner of the dancefloor and would just do whatever we felt like doing. 
since aaron lived in town, yet did not have a car, i gave him my spare key to my dorm room.  so he stayed over whenever he wanted.  especially on x-mas break and spring break. 
that was a spring break that i will always remember...
i am back in cherryville.. hanging out with Elmo.. we get to his house and his mom yells out the window that i have to call home..  now my parents never call my friends...  so i thinking that i am in some serious shit.. they found something.  i call and they say "you need to come home now!"
all i can think is that 'I'm Fucked!'..  they heard something or know something...
i get home and they tell me to sit down.  'jesus fucking christ i am fucked now...' 
they say, "donna from food lion called, aaron was at a friend's house and was playing with a gun and accidentally shot himself in the chest"...  i have never felt so numb in my life.  i didn't know how to feel...  how to react.. if only my grandpa had died of a heart-attack when i was 8..  but no, my family has the life-espectancy of a sea tortoise.  so i remember going into the basement and putting 'space jam' into the vcr..  and calling Elmo to tell him what happened.. 
i tell him, "i don't care what's going on tomorrow, but i am getting fucking wasted!"  and so i did.. off a mix of vodka and Everclear....  with no chaser.  that is the most drunk i have even been and remembered it..
two days later i drive, two days before spring break is over, to greenville for the funeral...  that numbing feeling clouds me all the way there.   as soon as i walk into that church and see his picture beside that urn....  i fucking lost it..  death was real then.  i would never see my friend again...   his mom had them play 'spirit in the sky'..  an old 70's tune.....   and everytime i hear i think of that day..
after the service, we went to greet the family...  i walked up to aaron's mom, whom i never met, and told her who i was..  she jumped up and hugged me..  she said, "thank you so much for showing aaron everything.  without you he would have just sit at home in his room."  and i think that meant more to me than anything anyone could have said.  it was like this thing that touched me.  that i had done something good, yet, that person was no longer there!
every time i think of him i wish that there was a god that would let you rewind time.  
i will always love him...  and i will always remember him!
and aaron, i hope you are getting some madd 'Noop-Gnat' in heaven!!
I love you brother.... 

from myspace: Dec 15, 2005

x-mas and cancer.. fuck them both...

Current mood:numb

in x-mas '95 i lost everything i knew in the world.. devastated and alone, i had to force myself to regroup in a way i had never had to, and without anyone to guide me..
fastforward to x-mas '01..  the last x-mas with my mom.. the last x-mas we were all there together.. spirits were high..  everything looked good..  then 6 months later mom is dead from a fucking disease that doctors have no goddammed idea what they are even looking for...  we can make old men get hard, but we can't find a way to find cancer in a person's body till it's too fucking late??  maybe if we weren't dumping all of our money into a fucking pointless war for oil, we could cure one fucking disease...  this is not the 14th century.. we have the technology for a satellite from miles overhead to look at a dime on the deck of an aircraft carrier and tell if it's heads or tails..  but we can't locate cancer in a person's body from inches away??? 
then there's the next x-mas..  my grandfather is bed-ridden and barely tangible when he tries to speak..  he dies within the month..  probably from bad karma for hating everyone not white..  but 2 deaths in a year's time does not put the "fun" back in funeral..  and my aunt freaked out when she smelled alcohol on my breath at the funeral...  yeah, i fucking wonder why i'm drinking!?!
now, x-mas '05...  dad, after have his prostate removed for cancer a year and a half ago now tells me that it's spread and they don't know where to..  who the fuck is this "they" and why are these "they" so goddammed incompetent??  so i have the chance of parent going through all of the anguish and cruelty that this absent "god" loves to bestow on it's faithful followers once again..  and people wonder why i lost my faith..  there is no nicer person and no bigger of a jesus-freak than my dad..  so punish your strongest supporters..  good strategy there jesus, you'll win a shitload of votes that way..  come on back now..  i'll be the one at the front of the crowd throwing eggs...  fucker!!!
fuck jesus!  fuck x-mas!  fuck everything in the goddammed world!!  none of this is even worth it anymore!!
(also, that aunt that flipped out at me at my grandfather's funeral now has breast cancer..  the reason she is not mentioned above is because i think it serves the bitch right!!)
any questions or comments are readily excepted...

hello friends.....

i looked back at my myspace account today and remembered the thing that set it apart from facebook..  the blog..  and also that tight grouping of friends that social media exploited into making you feel obligated to accepting that friend request from someone you once said hello to in 8th grade..
but in the light of new things in my life.. i need a place of solace much like the hallowed halls that was facebook..  where only those that i want to see can see...

the good and the bad...  and sadly it's the bad that brings me here..  but i hate saying something on FB and getting responses from people that i could give two shits about.. 

so if you are here now..  thank you for caring..

much more to be explained soon..

- inphynyty