from myspace: Dec 15, 2005

x-mas and cancer.. fuck them both...

Current mood:numb

in x-mas '95 i lost everything i knew in the world.. devastated and alone, i had to force myself to regroup in a way i had never had to, and without anyone to guide me..
fastforward to x-mas '01..  the last x-mas with my mom.. the last x-mas we were all there together.. spirits were high..  everything looked good..  then 6 months later mom is dead from a fucking disease that doctors have no goddammed idea what they are even looking for...  we can make old men get hard, but we can't find a way to find cancer in a person's body till it's too fucking late??  maybe if we weren't dumping all of our money into a fucking pointless war for oil, we could cure one fucking disease...  this is not the 14th century.. we have the technology for a satellite from miles overhead to look at a dime on the deck of an aircraft carrier and tell if it's heads or tails..  but we can't locate cancer in a person's body from inches away??? 
then there's the next x-mas..  my grandfather is bed-ridden and barely tangible when he tries to speak..  he dies within the month..  probably from bad karma for hating everyone not white..  but 2 deaths in a year's time does not put the "fun" back in funeral..  and my aunt freaked out when she smelled alcohol on my breath at the funeral...  yeah, i fucking wonder why i'm drinking!?!
now, x-mas '05...  dad, after have his prostate removed for cancer a year and a half ago now tells me that it's spread and they don't know where to..  who the fuck is this "they" and why are these "they" so goddammed incompetent??  so i have the chance of parent going through all of the anguish and cruelty that this absent "god" loves to bestow on it's faithful followers once again..  and people wonder why i lost my faith..  there is no nicer person and no bigger of a jesus-freak than my dad..  so punish your strongest supporters..  good strategy there jesus, you'll win a shitload of votes that way..  come on back now..  i'll be the one at the front of the crowd throwing eggs...  fucker!!!
fuck jesus!  fuck x-mas!  fuck everything in the goddammed world!!  none of this is even worth it anymore!!
(also, that aunt that flipped out at me at my grandfather's funeral now has breast cancer..  the reason she is not mentioned above is because i think it serves the bitch right!!)
any questions or comments are readily excepted...