closure...
i now have a step-mother..
tonight my dad got married to his girlfriend of almost a year.. i felt like everyone was looking at me because they knew how much mom's death had effected me.. but as i saw my dad and connie walk to the alter together, i felt no anxiety.. as i saw them exchange vows i could tell how emotional dad was (a trait that is rarely ever shown).. and as connie gave her vows i could tell how deeply she loved my dad.. she looked into his eyes and repeated every word that came out of the preacher's mouth as if she meant every word.. and i believe she did.. and for the second time in my life i saw my dad cry.. only this time it was tears of joy..
now let me say this.. about 6 months after mom died, my dad came to me and said, "you know, i may start dating again.." and i told him to go with it.. he had watched mom die for a year.. i wanted him to get out and have fun.. it's just that the first woman he brought into the house i fucking hated... not because i thought she was trying to replace my mom.. let's just call it intuition.. then he dumped her crazy ass....
last summer he started talking about this woman he met named connie... i met her during x-mas.. and i immediately liked her.. she has an aura about her that would make charles manson smile.. and when she's around dad you can just see his whole demeanor change..
which brings me back to my original point.. well, sort of.. i'm getting there..
she didn't know that amanda and i were there.. she was worried that we wouldn't show because of the aforementioned affect that mom's sickness and death had left on me.. i had gone around the church after the ceremony to smoke and talk to people i hadn't seen in a while.. as the line died down i walked into to talk to them.. when connie saw me a big smile came over her face.. and she hugged me.. she said that she didn't think i would come.. i told her that i wouldn't have missed it and i welcomed her to the family.. you could see the worry drop from her... like a burden was lifted...
but at the same time i think a burden lifted off me... a final closure that i haven't gotten.. that i haven't let myself face..
we went to the reception, which i didn't want to go to.. amanda and i found a booth in the corner away from everyone because i didn't want to just have to smalltalk with people that i didn't know... as dad and connie came in and sat down, she called us over and said that she wanted us to sit with her and dad.. and her best friend.. as they made their speech, connie introduced her friends that were there... and the woman beside me was jan raber... (WTF??).. and the couple in the booth beside of us was mr. and mrs. gurlits (i know i fucked the names up)... but sitting beside of me was steven raber's mom..
steven died when i was a sophmore in college.. and amanda and i (the first time we dated) went to the funeral with elmo and d.j. and suzanna.. it was a very big turning point in my life then... and here i was sit................
(HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!...... i just realized something.. if it wasn't for steven's death, amanda and i may have never met... i just checked my journals.. it was the week after his funeral that elmo and i went to yesterday's that fateful night... it was during the funeral that elmo and i began to get close.. there is a dammed good chance that i wouldn't have been there that night...)
jan turned to me and asked, did you know steven? i told her that i knew of him and that i was at the funeral..
(ok, i am making more gaps in this story than to ever make sence..)
needless to say, there was more there last night than just my dad, connie, a bunch of baptists and a handful of catholics... and a wiccan/deist... small world my ass.. some things you can call coencidence.. and somethings you have to look at and go WHAT THE FUCK??? and this is one of those times..
later i went to mom's grave.. and i left her a cigarette as i always do.. and i appologized that i wasn't able to bring her any of her flowers because they hadn't started to bloom yet.. and i felt a serenity.. as if mom was ok now that she knew dad was in good hands..
before i left i asked her to visit me in my dreams... and as i left i felt another presence with me... i didn't know it then, but i believe now that it may have been steven...
only time will tell... just like everything else...
goodnight mom... i hope to see you soon..
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